Feelin' myself.
I've been on the listening end of many women who have been frustrated as their "identity" has slipped away after getting married and having kids. Similarly to losing their "body" after a baby. I'll leave identity for another time and focus on body today.
I have never fully appreciated my body except for maybe a few glorious months before I got pregnant and was fueling it with goodness and seeing the benefits on the outside. It still wasn't society's definition of a good body, I'm sure - but I felt great.
Like many, I watched my belly grow in pregnancy and sort of stood awestruck. Growing a person has definitely been one of the most important, soul shattering experiences of my small life so far. 10/10, highly recommend. Recovering from a C-Section, breastfeeding, etc... all have played a part in the fact that I gained 65lbs and haven't lost any of them.
Every layer of my need to feel like "myself" again was hidden under physical challenges - like the feeling (while attempting any incline or heavy activity) that my body is going to split in half right at my incision line AND emotional anxieties that could have real consequences like if I eat clean the way I used to will my milk drastically change/deplete and Nezzy won't breastfeed anymore?
I wish I had the patience for myself that I have for others in this process. I have thin friends, curvy friends, white friends and colored friends who have each struggled with their bodies. Some have had babies, some don't. Some are wondering when their bodies will get with it and make the baby already.
Here's what I've learned in all this...
GRACE. We all have so many things that play leading and supporting roles in the grand story of our relationship with our physical bodies.
What were the things you heard about bodies growing up? Did your mom constantly talk about her weight - whether she was thin or overweight? My mom was and is curvy and stunningly beautiful - but she never thought so. I have a similar body type to her, so naturally I assumed I was gross since she talked about how "gross" she was.
Where do you live? Is being curvy the thing in your hood or you gotta have that serious thigh gap in your lulu lemons in order to get hit on? I've lived in places where I felt like I was the shit and then other places where I felt like I was... shit. Location matters and plays a massive role in this.
Sometimes taking care of everyone else is the reality. Sometimes taking care of everyone else means I HAVE to invest in making taking care of my body a priority. And when I accept that for all the beauty it carries - I'm better.
This was a months long process for me. Agonizing over the what-ifs and honestly, lamenting my old body - the one I didn't even appreciate correctly when I had it (what is life). I finally have gotten to the place where "feeling like myself" needs to be FEELIN' MYSELF and not "feeling like myself again".
FINALLY - I feel the gratitude for what my body has done and who it made and has sustained for this long. But in that has also come the acceptance of whatever's next while I work to get to feelin' myself again. I pray Nezzy doesn't stop nursing with all of my food and activity changes, but if she does - I am grateful for the breastfeeding relationship we were able to establish after so much work. Working out doesn't look like it is "supposed" to - but then again my birth didn't look like it was "supposed" to - so I adjust. And I'll just keep adjusting.
I have never fully appreciated my body except for maybe a few glorious months before I got pregnant and was fueling it with goodness and seeing the benefits on the outside. It still wasn't society's definition of a good body, I'm sure - but I felt great.
Like many, I watched my belly grow in pregnancy and sort of stood awestruck. Growing a person has definitely been one of the most important, soul shattering experiences of my small life so far. 10/10, highly recommend. Recovering from a C-Section, breastfeeding, etc... all have played a part in the fact that I gained 65lbs and haven't lost any of them.
Every layer of my need to feel like "myself" again was hidden under physical challenges - like the feeling (while attempting any incline or heavy activity) that my body is going to split in half right at my incision line AND emotional anxieties that could have real consequences like if I eat clean the way I used to will my milk drastically change/deplete and Nezzy won't breastfeed anymore?
I wish I had the patience for myself that I have for others in this process. I have thin friends, curvy friends, white friends and colored friends who have each struggled with their bodies. Some have had babies, some don't. Some are wondering when their bodies will get with it and make the baby already.
Here's what I've learned in all this...
GRACE. We all have so many things that play leading and supporting roles in the grand story of our relationship with our physical bodies.
What were the things you heard about bodies growing up? Did your mom constantly talk about her weight - whether she was thin or overweight? My mom was and is curvy and stunningly beautiful - but she never thought so. I have a similar body type to her, so naturally I assumed I was gross since she talked about how "gross" she was.
Where do you live? Is being curvy the thing in your hood or you gotta have that serious thigh gap in your lulu lemons in order to get hit on? I've lived in places where I felt like I was the shit and then other places where I felt like I was... shit. Location matters and plays a massive role in this.
Sometimes taking care of everyone else is the reality. Sometimes taking care of everyone else means I HAVE to invest in making taking care of my body a priority. And when I accept that for all the beauty it carries - I'm better.
This was a months long process for me. Agonizing over the what-ifs and honestly, lamenting my old body - the one I didn't even appreciate correctly when I had it (what is life). I finally have gotten to the place where "feeling like myself" needs to be FEELIN' MYSELF and not "feeling like myself again".
FINALLY - I feel the gratitude for what my body has done and who it made and has sustained for this long. But in that has also come the acceptance of whatever's next while I work to get to feelin' myself again. I pray Nezzy doesn't stop nursing with all of my food and activity changes, but if she does - I am grateful for the breastfeeding relationship we were able to establish after so much work. Working out doesn't look like it is "supposed" to - but then again my birth didn't look like it was "supposed" to - so I adjust. And I'll just keep adjusting.
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